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CD ROM Paradise Collection 4 1995 Nov.iso
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1995-03-22
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187 lines
MEDICAL JOKES
***
TWO OF 'EM!
During my hernia surgery in the VA
Hospital in Kansas City, Tom, a young medical
student was assigned to interview me. He was
also a practicing attorney. He was pleasant
and a good sport. I couldn't resist telling
him this joke:
Mr. Jones was dying. He called his
doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. They
both entered quietly and stood solemnly near
the door. When Mr. Jones continued to lay
there with his eyes closed, his physician
broke the silence.
"Mr. Jones, we're here--what would you
like us to do?"
Mr Jones answered with an impish grin,
"Just stand on one side of the bed, and have
my lawyer stand on the other--I want to die
like my Lord--a thief on both sides!"
***
PSYCHOCERAMICS
There's a new medical specialty now,
called psychoceramics--
the study of crackpots.
***
DEFINITIONS
A NEUROTIC builds aircastles.
A PSYCHOTIC lives in them.
And a psychiatrist collects the rent!
***
DEFINITIONS
A NEUROTIC knows 2 + 2 = 4
But it makes him so nervous.
A PSYCHOTIC knows 2 + 2 = 5
But it only works in HIS mind.
A SOCIOPATH knows 2 + 2 = 4
But he could care less.
***
DAFFY-NITIONS
PARADOX: Two doctors.
DOCTRINE: Lady doctor.
MEDICINE: Something you shake up and take.
RUG: Something you take up and shake.
EPISTLE: Wife of an Apostle.
***
SECOND OPINION
"Joe, you have appendicitis,"
pronounced the doctor,
"Twenty-five dollars, please."
"I want a second opinion,"
Joe requested.
"Okay, you have gall stones,"
announced the doctor,
"fifty dollars, please."
(The Born Loser, adapted)
***
X-RAYS
My doctor is wonderful.
Once, in 1955,
when I couldn't afford an operation,
he touched up the X-rays.
(Joey Bishop)
***
NURSERY
When I was born,
some said that I took after my mother.
Some said that I took after my father.
But I fooled 'em all.
I took after the nurse!
(Red Skelton)
***
EPITAPH
These words were found inscribed
on a hypochondriac's tombstone:
"I told you I was sick."
***
WHAT?!
Nurse to patient:
"Wake up, Mr. Jones.
Time for your sleeping pill!"
***
TAKE HIS PULSE--HIS PULSE!
The doctor felt the man's purse
And said there was no hope.
(Norton Mockridge)
***
JIMMY HOFFA
They found Jimmy Hoffa.
He was on the maternity ward,
Organizing labor.
***
GRADUATION
A high school principal was visiting his
friend, Ben, in a state asylum. In the
course of their conversation, his friend
said,
"You know, Sam, we are both from mental
institutions, but you have to show
improvement to get out of mine!"
***
IZZAT SO?
A young medical student was interviewing
patients on the psychiatric ward.
"And who are you, sir?"
he asked a man with a paper hat on sideways.
"I'm Napoleon!"
he replied proudly.
"Who told you that you were Napoleon?"
the student asked.
"God did!"
he proclaimed.
Just then, a voice piped up
from the back of the room,
"I did not!"
***
BRAIN POWER
The brain is a wonderful organ. It
starts working the moment you get up in the
morning and does not stop until you get into
the office.
(Robert Frost)
***
SOME SURGERY!
Did you hear about the guy who was
shaving and accidentally cut his nose off?
It shook him up so badly that he dropped his
razor and cut off his big toe. He went to a
cross-eyed surgeon.
Now his nose runs and his feet smell!
***
THE NOTE
A minister was visiting a parishioner in
ICU. His jaw was wired shut and he was
connected to all kinds of life support
systems. He seemed in anguish and handed his
minister a handwritten note. Then he expired.
After his funeral, the minister found
the note he had placed in his pocket but had
forgotten to read. It read,
"You're standing on my oxygen tube."
***
SPOTS
Larry: "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
Moe: "Have you seen a doctor?"
Larry: "No, just spots."
***
REFUND POLICY
No, we don't give refunds for bad jokes.
***
AL'S ADVICE
Germs attack people where they're weakest.
That's why there are so many head colds.
--Alfred E. Newman (MAD #103)
***
PERPETUATING PILLS
The following commercial was
reportedly broadcast on radio
quite a few years ago:
"And here is Mrs. Jones to give
her testimony about
Dr. Pinkey's Little Pink, Pink Liver Pills:"
"Oh, I just love to give my testimony about wonderful
Dr. Pinkey's Little Pink, Pink, Liver Pills!"
Mrs. Jones related enthusiastically.
"Grandpa took Dr. Pinkey's Little Pink, Pink Liver Pills
nigh on to fifty years.
He died two weeks ago,
and it was just yesterday
we had to beat his liver to death with a stick!"
***
LOOK ALIKE
My mother and father were first cousins.
That's why I look so much alike.
***
IN BLOOM
Other people call me the flower of the family:
a Blooming Idiot.
***
END